Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
