and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize