I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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