Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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