they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
