I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
