I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
