halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
