woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize