Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
