the condom got lost in my hair
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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