Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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