As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
