I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How does it feel to date your dad?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize