I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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