So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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