Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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