how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
