then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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