I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
What a dumb baby whore.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize