I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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