dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
