what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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