thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
