i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
