Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
