just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
