I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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