I cannot find my penis.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
My cat gives me a boner
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
