MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
