your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
