My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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