God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
