i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
