Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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