Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
