There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
