i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
operation have a gay friend backfired
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
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