Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
