wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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