Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
