Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
