oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
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