She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
