Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize