WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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