just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
These tits shall not be calmed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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