Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize