Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
