I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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