Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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