Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Say something about gay babies.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
