I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
