WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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