Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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