I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
And then he peed in my hair
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