Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
