Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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