Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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