I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
