trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
